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March 2nd, 2006

04:30 pm: I've been away too long hiding within myself. Tommorow is a new day to breathe with freedom.

Current Mood: bitchybitchy

August 25th, 2005

04:51 pm: Fasting Day 1
5:00 p.m.

Taking a diuretic and going to drink some broth,and call it an early night. Need some R & R time so I can beat myself up again tommorow. Maybe a muscle relaxer will do me some good too. Going to go stare at my fat ass in the mirror some, close my eyes and pretend I could cut it all off.

Current Mood: crappycrappy

August 20th, 2005

09:11 am: my plague
Well, I am feeling seriously fat, but moreso than normal because I didn't lose yesterday and Flo is on her way which always helps. I lay in bed at night thinking of all the way I can lose a pound. I get up in the morning knowing that only half of them will get fulfilled because of kids and other things that come up. It bothers me when I don't lose at least a pound a day. I can't see my bones, so I feel like I am going to die. Go figure. Ana berates me, and I agree with her. She lives inside me and feels like she is starving and happiest when I don't eat at all. The moment I put food in my mouth, that voice in my head sceams you fool, you were doing so good. I hate my body, always have. I hate my reflection. When I was 120 I saw fat rolls flowing off my body at 5"4', like donuts and rivers of lard. So heavier now after two kids, which I refuse to say my weight outloud to anyone, makes me want to die I want to cut it off. I want to be invisible, then I will be able to tolerate myself. Walk on air, dance on clouds. Today will be a day I lose a pound and can rest easy tonight for it.

Current Mood: angryangry

August 17th, 2005

11:42 am: Well, I am tired and hungry. Busted my ass yesterday, and paying for it today. Needing to fast again, ate too much yesterday. Still losing, but not fast enough, I feel like a failure in that department, but I understand that is part of the drive to keep starving myself. Gotta run to the store finish shopping for the kids for school. I am going to rest tommorow, I promise myself.

Current Mood: crankyfeeling fat
Current Music: enya

August 8th, 2005

02:42 pm: So I was on a downhill for a month. Folks had came husband was around etc. I am finally able to do my thing again and so far, so good, hold my breath, 8 lbs. since July 26. No pills, just two days of fasting followed by a day of eating a little. Encouraging yes, but I will not stop until I can see my bones. I was there once a long time ago before kids. I have hated myself everyday for eight years. I am not about to stop it now. My husband can be such a wretch. Lying to me about checking out other women. He will see me too one day when I am invisible. He is such an ass lying to me about what turns him on. OMG and my mom, first thing she always says when she sees me is you look like youve gained a weight. It doesn't matter if I have lost weight or not, she just sees fat. I could be 100 pounds which for me would be less than bones, and she would still see just fat. She is so psychotic. She called me the other day and I asked her if she called just to tell me I was fat. I am starving myself so the world will go away. I am not really fat. It is just that I always weigh more than I look and it drives me friggin crazy. It is part of the problem.


So I ate yesterday, fasting today and tommorow. They can all kiss my ass. I bet none of them say anything when I am light as air. They all suck.

Current Mood: crappycrappy
Current Music: nothing right now reading chemistry
11:02 am: I am so mad at myself. Eating pizza and cake. I didn't gain, but I didn't lose as much as I could over the weekend either. I am getting serious about fasting over the next three weeks, because when classes start, I have to eat some. So I can think straight. I have to figure out how to eat around classes and still lose. Maybe I can eat something small before class and right before I do my homework. Eating more than twice a day makes me feel like such a cow if I do. A small piece of chicken and apple and a tiny piece of cheese and a multivitamin and I should be good for the semester. I am not looking forward to classes for this reason. But I have to get done before we move again and this is my last shot. I am doing the liquid fast thing for two days at a time followed by a day of eating (argh) for the next three weeks so I can keep my metabolism up. I have to lose as much weight as I can in the next three weeks. Mirror Mirror on the wall whose the fatest of them all.

Current Mood: distresseddistressed
Current Music: Moya Brennan

August 5th, 2005

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
*** (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Current Mood: crazycrazy
Current Music: enya

August 2nd, 2005

10:07 am: Well I am fairly happy, because I lost four pounds last week and I can tell it is real pounds and not just water because Aunt Flo is getting ready to make her appearance and I am always retaining fluid when she draws near. If i can only keep losing the fat
I will be ecstatic. I hate plateaus, and I have been on one for over a month before I did the cleansing diet. I dropped the cayenne out of the drink and lessened the amount of maple syrup and I just put the cayenne in the one thing it is that I may eat during the day.

So far so good.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Want to be boney.

July 26th, 2005

07:38 am: Master Cleansing Diet and J
J are you out there....

The website is realanas_over21 search under pro ana.

I start my cleansing diet today. :-)

Yum Yum

July 21st, 2005

07:57 am: Well, today I fast. So happy to be alone again so I don't have to cover up ana. MY husband has no clue because he is never home. :-) When he is home I just eat a salad or something in front of him and fruit. I am getting pretty much sick of people lurching in these journals of my friends and bashing them, so I opened my own community so I could delete their entries. It is realanas_over21. I hope we can get what we want together. Ya know this is crazy, but the weirdest thing has been running through my head this morning...."Mirror mirror on the wall....whos the fatest of them all" What do you know it's me. This doesn't depress me, because this will change. What depresses me is people getting bashed by idiots that haven't been there. I am off to write a paper on amphibian decline and environmental unity. hahaha.

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